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Questioning my faith

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Before you begin to read, you may find offense in this post, however that is not my intention. My blogs have always been real and raw. This one is no different. It’s a moment of true honesty.  I don’t consider myself a religious person.  I do not attend an organized church mostly because of the way myself and my family were treated by the people of the church.  I do not sink myself in the Bible.  Maybe I should. I do however have a relationship with God in my own realm.  I have my own ways of receiving worship. I don’t and won’t discuss religion with anyone, not even my spouse.  If you need to judge that, do so however you see fit.  There are times when I struggle with the beliefs that I grew up with and “learned” from the church because they don’t line up with the way I feel and some of the “choices” (as some like to call it) that I have made throughout my life. I know I have disappointed some, and even God along the way. There’s times when I even question my beliefs at all
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Family trees & the circle of life

Life sure has a way of slapping you in the face and putting things in perspective.    One minute you’re going through the monotony of your daily routine, the next you receive some earth shattering news. News that kicks your legs out from under you, puts you on your knees, and makes you question why you go through the motions of daily life without a thought of anything other than what’s right before you.   Family trees and the circle of life are bittersweet.    What starts out as a tree strong enough to withstand the fiercest of winds turns into a frail hollow frame with limbs that break with the breeze.    As a child we go through our days without a worry in the world, allowing our innocence to steer our experiences.    As young adults, we take on the world as an invincible warrior without a second thought on our rash decisions.    We become parents and our once selfish ego abruptly turns into a nurturing parent who then dedicates our life to ensuring our child has anything and
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A loss isn’t always a loss...

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There comes a time in every woman’s life when she realizes it’s going to be alright...that she’s going to be ok! A time where she stops putting other people before herself and starts feeling good about putting herself first in line. A time where she not only stops going hard for people who don’t go hard for her, but closes the door to them all together! A time where she’s ready to take back control of her own life and do what’s right for HER! No more “companionship” relationships where you are just content. I want real, true love...the kind where you cannot stand to be away from each other. No more getting through the day to just get to the next one. No more draining jobs. No more being taken advantage of because people make you feel guilty for things you shouldn’t feel guilty over.  No more being ran over. Life is so short. God could call us home at anytime, and when he does are you going to be able to say you lived your best life?   I’ve wasted so much time just getting by. I’
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A Life of Regrets

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This song! Listen before you read! I was riding in the car the other day and as soon as it came on I started to skip it but allowed it to play.  It’s one of those songs that when you hear it, it automatically sends chills over your body and takes you back to a specific time of your life.  It was my go to song during, hands down, what was the lowest point of my life. Every 👏🏼 single 👏🏼 word 👏🏼 resonates within my soul.  It was around this time two years ago that a bad situation turned worse and my downward spiral started to move full speed ahead.  I had zero control of my life and I reached a point where I literally stared death in the face three times.  It was a horrible time and I remember the physical pain like it was yesterday.   I often find myself feeling shameful, not for where I am today, but where I have been.  Wondering if I'd have made better choices, in life and love, where I would be today.  Angry because those choices held me back and kept me from becoming things
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The Rise of the Phoenix

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The Phoenix.  In ancient mythology, the symbolism of the majestic Phoenix bird, which is most often connected with the Sun, dies and is reborn across cultures and throughout time.  Ancient legend paints a picture of a magical bird, radiant and shimmering, which lives for several hundred years before it dies by bursting into flames. It is then reborn from the ashes, to start a new, long life. It’s a tattoo that I have wanted for a few years. It’s symbolism mirrors the ups and downs of my adult life.  The good decisions. The many, many bad decisions. The consequences of those decisions. The positive that has come out of both the good and the bad. The lessons learned. The view from the top.  The progress I have made climbing out of some of deepest and darkest holes I’ve ever fallen in. It’s the scars I wear like most wear diamonds.  I remember having the discussion once with someone very close to me. She looked me in the face and told me I had a long way to go before I could even remotely
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Oh the places I have been...

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There was a time I knew I wouldn’t be around to celebrate another birthday. A time where raw emotional pain determined how my day would go. A time where getting through it wasn’t day by day, yet minute by minute.  A time when I valued darkness and being alone more than I valued the very breath that kept me on this earth. A time where I literally made a choice between life or death.  Since that time I’ve made some major changes.  Not the first time I’d seen a significant change in my life, but  I’ve moved mountains in the progress I’ve made.  Does depression still peek its head through? Absolutely. The difference now is that I know my worth and will never give it, or anyone else for that matter, that kind of power over me (thanks to a great friend for offering up that advice that has literally saved my life...more than once).  It was through my journey through those years of dark days that I found out who I was, and more importantly who I didn’t want to be anymore.   While I’ve always b
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A Moment Doesn’t Have to End

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Pain.  I know it like the back of my hand. For the past 4 years it has stared me in the face every single day.  It’s what woke me up in the morning.  It’s the last thing that saw me before closing my eyes at night.  It’s what had me by the throat and wouldn’t let me breathe.  It defined me, and resonated throughout my soul. I was broken for a long time.  Hell...still am really. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Some are life long.  All time does is build a scar, and I have a lot of those.  The difference now is that pain doesn’t control every aspect of my life, and that alone has opened my heart.  Don’t get me wrong, life sucks sometimes. It’s hard as fuck and the struggles are still heavy! Knowing I’ve survived my darkest days, and that I have the choice to let it consume me all over again, or move the hell on is empowering in itself.  It’s one of the only things I can control because trying to understand the whys of life itself is much bigger than I will ever be! I have the control to
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