Tin Man
I've been sitting here...starring at the screen...not even knowing where to begin, or even if I should. It's been 6 months since I have been here. Reading my last blog, I remember exactly where I was sitting when I wrote it, and remember thinking how bad it was then. If only I knew what was coming. Sometimes I feel like I am not entitled to what my heart feels. There are so many more people worse off than I, so really what right do I have to air it out. But this is my blog. My screen. And...well...it is my heart. So here goes....
Many of you think you know me. Know my story. Know who I am. What I stand for. Some of you really may. And some of you have absolutely no idea at all. I try to keep my personal life private for the most part. Try to refrain from the world knowing what goes on inside my four walls. Use my social media as my brag board for my daughter, to keep in touch with family and friends. But sometimes my feelings sneak out. And sometimes there is a hand reaching out from beneath the dark cold ocean for someone to see. Sometimes the boats just keep passing by and that hand goes unseen. But every once in a while one stops, and reaches down, and tries to grab the hand they see, but then it's gone. Because I have pulled it back underneath the water. Pretty good visual for what my life has been like for the past year.
A rock. "Strong as a rock". I've been told that for years. I remember when it all started to crumble. One piece at a time. Several people attributed to the chipping of those pieces, and for the sake of respect they will remain nameless. One of those "people"...my own reflection. It took a lot for me to admit my faults...to myself, to my wife, write about them openly online, apologize publicly to those I had wronged, and make a solemn vow to both myself, and the one I loved more than life itself to make the changes I needed to make. For a better me. For a better us. For a better life in general. I sought out books. Listened to motivational speakers, turned to religion in a way I was comfortable with. I was seen medically on a regular basis, and was dealing with it as best as I could. And I did change. I proudly changed the bad parts. It wasn't easy. I wasn't perfect. I still am not perfect. Nor will I ever be. But I committed to it, and I changed. All while trying to rebuild everything around me even though it was falling faster than I could keep it upright. But I kept trying. I kept fighting. Because fighting for what I believed in was what I was always taught. And even though she had given up, I hadn't. I still believed in us. The day I stood before her, our family and friends, and most importantly, God, and spoke those vows to her, I had never spoken something so heartfelt and true (even the part about the Oreo's). I wasn't about to let the first honest, sincere, true love...my real life happily ever after just walk out of my life without a fight. I fought. Through the tears, through the pain, through the everything in between....I fought. Not only just for us. But for her. And for me. I am strong. But I am exhausted.
Here I sit a year later, and as with any fight eventually it must end. She has chosen to continue her journey through life without me. She will never be able to say that her wife didn't fight for her. She knows that, and so do I.
I remember the night about 10 years ago when I dropped to my knees, tear soaked cheeks, and prayed to God to take away the pain I was feeling. Begging him to please make it go away. He and I know why. Even though it was years later, when she came back into my life, I often wondered if she was the answer to what I thought had been an unanswered prayer. In fact, I knew she was. The one person who could make me stop crying then, is the cause of these tears today. Be careful what you ask for. Because one day you just might get it.
As for me, I will wear the pain of this fight like the grandest of diamonds around my neck. Through the pain, through the tears, through it all, I will move on. I will wake up tomorrow, and try again. And if that doesn't work I will try again the next day. But I know eventually I will be ok. And I know that it wasn't that I didn't love her enough. I loved her the best that I could. I loved her louder than either one of our demons could scream! And one day that will be enough for someone else. And Mr. Tin Man...if you're out there...stop asking for a heart. You don't know how lucky you are!
Many of you think you know me. Know my story. Know who I am. What I stand for. Some of you really may. And some of you have absolutely no idea at all. I try to keep my personal life private for the most part. Try to refrain from the world knowing what goes on inside my four walls. Use my social media as my brag board for my daughter, to keep in touch with family and friends. But sometimes my feelings sneak out. And sometimes there is a hand reaching out from beneath the dark cold ocean for someone to see. Sometimes the boats just keep passing by and that hand goes unseen. But every once in a while one stops, and reaches down, and tries to grab the hand they see, but then it's gone. Because I have pulled it back underneath the water. Pretty good visual for what my life has been like for the past year.
A rock. "Strong as a rock". I've been told that for years. I remember when it all started to crumble. One piece at a time. Several people attributed to the chipping of those pieces, and for the sake of respect they will remain nameless. One of those "people"...my own reflection. It took a lot for me to admit my faults...to myself, to my wife, write about them openly online, apologize publicly to those I had wronged, and make a solemn vow to both myself, and the one I loved more than life itself to make the changes I needed to make. For a better me. For a better us. For a better life in general. I sought out books. Listened to motivational speakers, turned to religion in a way I was comfortable with. I was seen medically on a regular basis, and was dealing with it as best as I could. And I did change. I proudly changed the bad parts. It wasn't easy. I wasn't perfect. I still am not perfect. Nor will I ever be. But I committed to it, and I changed. All while trying to rebuild everything around me even though it was falling faster than I could keep it upright. But I kept trying. I kept fighting. Because fighting for what I believed in was what I was always taught. And even though she had given up, I hadn't. I still believed in us. The day I stood before her, our family and friends, and most importantly, God, and spoke those vows to her, I had never spoken something so heartfelt and true (even the part about the Oreo's). I wasn't about to let the first honest, sincere, true love...my real life happily ever after just walk out of my life without a fight. I fought. Through the tears, through the pain, through the everything in between....I fought. Not only just for us. But for her. And for me. I am strong. But I am exhausted.
Here I sit a year later, and as with any fight eventually it must end. She has chosen to continue her journey through life without me. She will never be able to say that her wife didn't fight for her. She knows that, and so do I.
I remember the night about 10 years ago when I dropped to my knees, tear soaked cheeks, and prayed to God to take away the pain I was feeling. Begging him to please make it go away. He and I know why. Even though it was years later, when she came back into my life, I often wondered if she was the answer to what I thought had been an unanswered prayer. In fact, I knew she was. The one person who could make me stop crying then, is the cause of these tears today. Be careful what you ask for. Because one day you just might get it.
As for me, I will wear the pain of this fight like the grandest of diamonds around my neck. Through the pain, through the tears, through it all, I will move on. I will wake up tomorrow, and try again. And if that doesn't work I will try again the next day. But I know eventually I will be ok. And I know that it wasn't that I didn't love her enough. I loved her the best that I could. I loved her louder than either one of our demons could scream! And one day that will be enough for someone else. And Mr. Tin Man...if you're out there...stop asking for a heart. You don't know how lucky you are!
❤️
ReplyDeleteIn a similiar situation with my boyfriend or ex boyfriend whatever we are this hour and i really needed this. You reminded me it will be ok one day and u have to keep living and the fight has to eventually end. Funny, jaelyns new song she is songing is tin man. I hope your pain ends quickly.
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