Addicted to be loved
I found a quote the other day that has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind ever since. Why so heavily? Because it made me realize a thing or two...or maybe ten!
I’ve never had too many relationships in my life, but the few I have had have all been significant. And each and every one played out pretty much the same way...fell in love, was cheated on, I begged them to stay, they stayed...briefly, still cheated, they ended up leaving, I was the one hurt, then they walked away like I never even mattered. Yet all the time I kept loving them more trying to make them love me. Stupid? To say the least! But all in all I guess it’s just a part of of my makeup...who I am. At least I’m aware of it now, and can stop it from happening any longer.
Some hurt more than others. Some still burn so bad I cannot bare the physical pain. Two failed marriages. A collection of memories, some of which I wish I could make vanish as quick as my grocery list when I walk into the store. The good times unfortunately shadowed by the pain. I used to believe in that stupid cliche...”it all happens for a reason”. But does it really?
While I don’t think there is such a thing as loving someone too much, I do know you can’t love for the both of you. It certainly has to come equally. Love is much like an addiction. Ultimately no matter how much you love, or want to help, someone else...if they don’t want the same it’s never going to work. You can’t want it for them. (Brooke are you reading what you are writing??)
I’ve hit rock bottom on a lot of things this year. I’m a suicide survivor. I battle depression and anxiety on a daily basis...and let me tell you, that is a tough fight! I’m a single parent...and do you know my kid?!?? I barely (or maybe I don’t) make ends meet working multiple jobs going weeks without a day off. Ive lost many friends...who were never really friends in the first place. I’ve learned I have alot of support I never knew I had. I’ve learned the simplest message can mean the world. I’ve come to terms with many things about myself that I never even knew were possible. I have bad days...many, many bad days, and I cry...I cry a lot...a lot more than I ever have in all my 41 years. I have some good days too. I have changed, and will continue to change. But this quote...it’s true. Unfortunately no matter what they say, or how convincing their promises may be...people don’t love like me. There is no one in this world who is willing to save me, but me. It is what it is. It’s time I realized that.
I’ve never had too many relationships in my life, but the few I have had have all been significant. And each and every one played out pretty much the same way...fell in love, was cheated on, I begged them to stay, they stayed...briefly, still cheated, they ended up leaving, I was the one hurt, then they walked away like I never even mattered. Yet all the time I kept loving them more trying to make them love me. Stupid? To say the least! But all in all I guess it’s just a part of of my makeup...who I am. At least I’m aware of it now, and can stop it from happening any longer.
Some hurt more than others. Some still burn so bad I cannot bare the physical pain. Two failed marriages. A collection of memories, some of which I wish I could make vanish as quick as my grocery list when I walk into the store. The good times unfortunately shadowed by the pain. I used to believe in that stupid cliche...”it all happens for a reason”. But does it really?
While I don’t think there is such a thing as loving someone too much, I do know you can’t love for the both of you. It certainly has to come equally. Love is much like an addiction. Ultimately no matter how much you love, or want to help, someone else...if they don’t want the same it’s never going to work. You can’t want it for them. (Brooke are you reading what you are writing??)
I’ve hit rock bottom on a lot of things this year. I’m a suicide survivor. I battle depression and anxiety on a daily basis...and let me tell you, that is a tough fight! I’m a single parent...and do you know my kid?!?? I barely (or maybe I don’t) make ends meet working multiple jobs going weeks without a day off. Ive lost many friends...who were never really friends in the first place. I’ve learned I have alot of support I never knew I had. I’ve learned the simplest message can mean the world. I’ve come to terms with many things about myself that I never even knew were possible. I have bad days...many, many bad days, and I cry...I cry a lot...a lot more than I ever have in all my 41 years. I have some good days too. I have changed, and will continue to change. But this quote...it’s true. Unfortunately no matter what they say, or how convincing their promises may be...people don’t love like me. There is no one in this world who is willing to save me, but me. It is what it is. It’s time I realized that.
I can relate to so much of this!!
ReplyDeleteYou are stronger than you know.
People care. You have had alotta of the same friends for sooo looong, it's saddening to know you feel that way instead of looking at the whole picture and realizing what we have all realized, and it's just time for you to do YOU. Love YOU! Believe in yourself, and leave the rest at the door.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe it'll even rub off on the mini-you...
I care.
ReplyDeleteEven if it does come off wrong in your eyes...
But I do ❤