Fighting Demons

They say life is a roller coaster. Whoever "they" is, is absolutely correct. We all have our ups and downs, some have more than others. Lately, I am one of the "some" of that statement. It seems I go through times in my life where nothing seems to go my way. If I try and look for the "why" to that sentence all that I can come up with is Karma is doing her work. In an effort to try and get out of this funk I am in, I decided to sit and put my thoughts on paper. So here are my thoughts...in virtual form.

I'm not a perfect person. I've made a lot of mistakes, done a lot of wrong, and made a lot of bad decisions along the way. If I could go back and fix them I most certainly would, and in a heartbeat. But simple fact is there's not a damn thing I can do to fix it now. All I can do is accept what I did, say my peace about it. Undoubtedly I will make more in my future. So yes...Karma has a lot to work with here.

I am a pretty simplistic person when it comes to needs. I rarely do anything for myself, and always, always, put other people first. You'll rarely see me do anything for myself. Not that I don't have wants, of course I do, but others needs are more important to me than my wants. That's my philosophy on that anyway. I don't see Karma being able to get back at me in this area.

I'm pretty intense when it comes to emotions though. Most anyone that knows me knows I am a real person. I'm the last person to come to for advice if you don't want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I don't sugar coat anything whatsoever. I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind, regardless of how others may look at me. Life is too short to worry about what other people think. You either like me for who I am, or keep on walking.

When it comes to love....I love wholeheartedly. Up until now, no one has ever appreciated that. There have been many times I have loved for the wrong reasons. Looking back, fighting my way through the hurt, the reasons come to surface. To say I have lived and learned is a true statement. I wish I could say there were no regrets, but I can't say that. I regret not being smart enough to see the reasons before I wasted so much time, I regret not being strong enough to stand up for myself, and I regret allowing myself to be put through so much. But at one point it is exactly what I wanted....so be it.

When I hate, and yes I do hate, I hate with everything I have to hate with. Call it wrong if you'd like, it is what it is. It's just another part of who I am. Those whom I hate would gladly step up to testify to that fact.

When emotions get the best of me, a time like the present, I sit back and try to analyze what and why. It's the psychology degrees at work. Trying to analyze and critique yourself is a lot harder than trying to analyze someone else. I struggle with every time. It's so easy to say that happened in the past, let it go. Much harder to practice. To see other's flaws comes much easier than trying to admit your own. To me it seems to make me less of that "strong" person I so claim to be.

For more than half my life I lived for someone else. That someone else being the one I was in love with. While they were few, they were significant and spanned years at a time. I morphed the real me into the person they needed me to be. I gave until I could give no more, which eventually lead to them walking out on me, or most recently me finally being strong enough to leave on my own. But when I packed, I forgot to leave some of my issues behind. Being used and abused on so many levels led me to become a person with some pent up problems that slap me in the face on many occasions. While my past is just that, it still peeks it's head around the corner just as I think I am out of its reach.

So is it Karma at work or God's will, and what's the answer to how to make it better? One step at a time is the only way I know how to fix what needs to be fixed. Being a strong willed, or as Kat would call it..."hard headed", independent person that I am, change is even harder. Learning how to let someone love me, support me, be there for me, and be genuine in her efforts is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I'm not used to someone loving me. I'm used to doing the loving, and watching it be abused. I don't have to do that with her. It's time for me to let her love me, and learn to accept it. She's pretty crazy for loving my crazy ass and my bruised heart, and she should be commended for even being able to knock my wall down to get in in the first' place. She's one tough chic who happens to love another tough chic!

So now comes the time for me to put my armor on and get to fighting those demons head on, so that I can go back to loving life...with the one that loves me. Life may not be exactly how I want it to be right now, but it's not as bad as where I have been. A broken wing doesn't mean I can't fly, it just means I have to find another way.