#BrookeUnbroken

Dear Self, You’ve stood before others and made vows that you truly believed in, and you stood by those promises. You held up your end of the deal to those who could not love you the way you loved them, so now it’s time for you to make some vows to yourself. You feel in extremes and I know you don’t remember what it feels like not to be broken. But it’s time for you to dedicate all that time and energy you invested in others into yourself. It’s time you learned to love yourself the same as you have loved others.   No more getting worked up over things or people that you cannot change. You have tried, and you have tried with all your heart. You know you cannot help people whom do not want to be helped just like you cannot love those that do not want your love. Accept it and move on. Control what you can. Let go of what you cannot. It is what it is. You always say this...now it’s time for you to believe it.  You were once so strong. You allowed one to break down your wall, allo

Anxiety isn't just having a hard time catching your breath. Anxiety is waking up at 3 am from a dead sleep because your heart is racing. Anxiety is breaking out in a rash for no reason. Anxiety is stressing over things that may or my not be real. Anxiety is questioning your faith, how could my creator allow me to feel this way!? Anxiety is calling your sister 3 hours before she gets up for work, in hopes she'll answer so you can get your mind off the attack. Anxiety is a 2 am shower. Anxiety is your mood changing in a matter of minutes. Anxiety is uncontrollable shaking and twitching. Anxiety is crying, real and painful tears. Anxiety is nausea. Anxiety is crippling. Anxiety is dark. Anxiety is having to make up excuse after excuse for your behavior. Anxiety is fear. Anxiety is worry. Anxiety is physically and emotionally draining. Anxiety is raw. Anxiety is real. Anxiety is a fight with your spouse, even though you're not mad. Anxiety is snapping at the smallest annoyance.

Grief.  They say the hardest thing one will ever have to do is grieve for someone that is still alive. I have climbed the very familiar mountain of grief. Every step:  shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance...all of it. Hell...I recognized the view on the way up! Even saw the etchings on the trees from the treks I made the times before. Only this time I only thought I had made it to the top! I went to take care of some legal matters the other day which I thought I was completely ready for.  As I pulled into the parking lot I started uncontrollably shaking and immediately wanted to throw up.  I got out and sat on a bench for a few minutes, gave myself a pep talk, and pulled myself together.  I gathered myself and walked inside.  As I sat and waited for my number to be called, the shaking returned, the lump rose in my throat, and the unmanageable crying began.  I starred straight ahead in hopes no one was noticing trying to calm myself down but after a few minutes I got up and le

A good friend once told me...”don’t ever let anyone have that much control over you”.  As I was begging him to help me fight for her...he was telling me to move on.  I was angry at him at the time, but looking back at that conversation today, he was right. When I take a look back at my life I ask myself the question why so many times. The tears well up in my eyes so quickly no matter how hard I try to fight them.  If I had  my life mapped out, it certainly wouldn’t have gone as planned. It’s still something I have a very hard time talking about.  People always asked me how she and I ended up together. It’s not something that was planned but I don’t want to rehash that story.  What I do know is my love story with her was amazing.  It was the realest love I’ve ever felt, and the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I honestly thought she was my forever but despite the biggest fight of my life...it turned out to the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever had.  How could a love so strong go so wron

I found a quote the other day that has been weighing heavily on my heart and mind ever since.  Why so heavily? Because it made me realize a thing or two...or maybe ten! I’ve never had too many relationships in my life, but the few I have had have all been significant.  And each and every one played out pretty much the same way...fell in love, was cheated on, I begged them to stay, they stayed...briefly, still cheated, they ended up leaving, I was the one hurt, then they walked away like I never even mattered.  Yet all the time I kept loving them more trying to make them love me.  Stupid? To say the least! But all in all I guess it’s just a part of of my makeup...who I am.  At least I’m aware of it now, and can stop it from happening any longer. Some hurt more than others. Some still burn so bad I cannot bare the physical pain.  Two failed marriages. A collection of memories, some of which I wish I could make vanish as quick as my grocery list when I walk into the store. The good ti

This one is going to be a tough one.  I've sat down to write it at least ten times and instead of hitting publish at the end I always end up hitting delete instead.  We will see if this time makes it.  So it has been a few weeks since some of you have sent your children off to college.  Some a first for your household, some not, and some the last for your household.  While I was not a direct participant in any of those, I have to say I was hit hard emotionally by many of them.  Lucky for me I have had the opportunity to be a part of so many young ladies lives in the form of dance and pageantry thanks to Jaiden, and through those activities I have met some amazing young women and their families.  Watching them grow up into who they are today was not only a privilege but an honor for my daughter to have such great role models in her life and for me to have met some of my closest friends.  It was surprisingly emotional for me.  I more often than not found tears rolling down my fa

Because today I was awaken by the tears flowing down my cheeks...I need a reminder...and maybe you do to.  #FoolishGirl #semicolonproject  Foolish girl, You turn away from the world because you believe the mistakes you have made are tattooed all over your body and that is all the world can see; marks of shame you cannot wipe clean no matter how many years you scrub your skin until no more blood can seep from your pores still stained with filth and sin. You turn away from the world because you believe you are defined by your past, by the choices you made when there were no other choices; that you are bound to the girl you once were by the invisible ropes still tied around your hands and feet, held in place by words of shame that will never deliver you from their grasp. You turn away from the world because you believe you are not deserving to hold your head high and look it in the eye; that you carry a scarlet letter upon your forehead that will blind those who dare to look

Following in my footsteps, my daughter walked on her first pageant stage at the age of 18 months.  Pageantry is a tough "sport".  And yes...just like any other competitive arena...it is a "sport". It's an opinion of a group of people on that day, and could/would be different with another group of judges on another day.  It is what it is and we have learned that through the years. The most important thing is that we walk away with the life skills she is learning, the friends she is making, and the self confidence she is building that matters the most.  I use the term "we", because it's a learning experience for the both of us along the way. Mostly for her, but for me as well.  As she was practicing interview questions with some of the girls this past week during her most recent national pageant experience, I sat down the hall listening to them. She didn't know I could hear her.  One of them asked her who her most admired person was.  Jaiden

A few days ago someone said something to me that has been stirring inside me ever since.  Not a good stir.  And not a good topic.  Not something I would ever talk about publicly, and never in a million years finding myself writing a blog about.  But in hopes of shedding some light on a much misunderstood topic, a very relevant one in today's society, and one that is now a part of my story.  Suicide.  Relax.  Obviously I am here typing this story so it didn't happen.  But if I were recording a tape from 13 Reasons Why this would be one of them.  As most of you know very recently my world has literally fallen apart.  My wife, the love of my life, my everything, my best friend...left me.  My family torn apart.  I lost my job.  Had been out of work since February desperately looking for anything without any luck at all.  My daughter and I have been living on next to nothing trying to make ends meet the best we can.  Sounds like a country song right.  If only I could play it backw

I've been sitting here...starring at the screen...not even knowing where to begin, or even if I should.  It's been 6 months since I have been here.  Reading my last blog, I remember exactly where I was sitting when I wrote it, and remember thinking how bad it was then.  If only I knew what was coming.  Sometimes I feel like I am not entitled to what my heart feels.  There are so many more people worse off than I, so really what right do I have to air it out.  But this is my blog.  My screen.  And...well...it is my heart.  So here goes.... Many of you think you know me.  Know my story.  Know who I am.  What I stand for.  Some of you really may.  And some of you have absolutely no idea at all.  I try to keep my personal life private for the most part.  Try to refrain from the world knowing what goes on inside my four walls.  Use my social media as my brag board for my daughter, to keep in touch with family and friends.  But sometimes my feelings sneak out.  And sometimes there

I've never been one to make resolutions.  Maybe because I knew I'd never actually follow through.  Today we begin a new year and after reading something someone wrote a few days ago it's had me thinking.  Not to mention when you've been searching for days for a self help book and the only one that really sparks your interest is "Fuck Feelings"! I don't think they write a self help book for people like me.  I guess my search for a therapist will continue.  God bless their soul! I consider myself a pretty private person when it comes to myself.  I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Wear a fake smile well.  I've been struggling with some things in my personal life for the past six months but especially within the past week. I've been absolutely, 100% broken! My health has not been well.  My mental state even worse. I've always been one of those people who just plain out tells it like it is.  Not to intentionally hurt anyone, but t