Revelations
This one is going to be a tough one. I've sat down to write it at least ten times and instead of hitting publish at the end I always end up hitting delete instead. We will see if this time makes it.
So it has been a few weeks since some of you have sent your children off to college. Some a first for your household, some not, and some the last for your household. While I was not a direct participant in any of those, I have to say I was hit hard emotionally by many of them. Lucky for me I have had the opportunity to be a part of so many young ladies lives in the form of dance and pageantry thanks to Jaiden, and through those activities I have met some amazing young women and their families. Watching them grow up into who they are today was not only a privilege but an honor for my daughter to have such great role models in her life and for me to have met some of my closest friends.
It was surprisingly emotional for me. I more often than not found tears rolling down my face as I scrolled through your pictures of you helping them pack, sending them off, seeing them on their way, and waving goodbye. For me it seemed as they should still be walking through that high school parking lot as I dropped Jaiden off every morning, arguing with their sister coming through the dance studio doors, waiting for their latest pageant win to pop up on Facebook. Where had the time gone....for real? They were grown...and gone. I had watched those girls put on their tap shoes, and grow out of them. Watched them grow from their Preteen gowns to their knock dead gorgeous "wow where did those come from" teen gowns, and while they weren't biologically mine, they were my dance and pageant families. A connection was there. Or at least to me it was.
And then another revelation began. I finally understood Kathy's pain. Her breakdown. I got it. Like seriously deep down in my heart got it. What was her only blood family left had gone just a year before. And while I was physically there, emotionally I was not. I didn't get it. Not because I didn't want to be, not because I never tried, but because I was never allowed to.
Let me explain. All my life I've always hated the word "step-parent". To me it just seems degrading and disrespectful. I've played the role many times, and if that's what they chose to call me, than that was their choice and so be it. I have never voiced that opinion aloud. Funny thing is that Jaiden has never, and still to this day, does not refer to Kathy (even now with us not together) as her "step-mom". She has always referred to her as just that "mom". When someone looks confused, which was common, she would step up and say, 'yes....I have two moms." And no....she was never taught to say that.
Anyway...back to the point...Kathy had a very hard time when Brittany graduated from high school, and rightfully so. I didn't fully understand that then. I mean I got it, but didn't REALLY get it because there was not emotional attachment there. I was never allowed to be emotionally attached to Brittany. Not by any fault of Kathy's by any means. When she and I first got together Brittany was 13. She had a first impression of me and I could never break through that wall. Not even through a five year span. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. To her I was not who she was raised by, and for me she never gave me a chance to love her. Both hurt, yes....adults get their feelings hurt too, mistakes made and years wasted. To Brittany I would always be just that....a step parent. One of those she was used to having on the other side of things. Little did she know that was not at all who I was, because when I love, I love fiercely, and with my whole heart. Not saying that I don't love her...of course I do. I did, and still do, love her like my own. She will just never know that. So to my wife, I'm so sorry I didn't understand. To Brittany, I'm sorry you never knew how much I loved you. And to Jaiden, I'm sorry you were robbed of the family you deserved to have. Maybe one day I will get the apology I deserve as well.
It's funny how life has a way of teaching us things. Looking back at when things were so bad I would've given anything to know some of the things I know now. There's so many things about myself that I have been able to change through this process. So many things I was never able to see until all of these things happened. I am a different person in so many ways and even though I walk around with a broken heart still beating in my chest, and still fight some demons daily, I am better than I was a year ago. Things really do happen for a reason. And one day, when it is suppose to happen, I will be 100% happy again.
So it has been a few weeks since some of you have sent your children off to college. Some a first for your household, some not, and some the last for your household. While I was not a direct participant in any of those, I have to say I was hit hard emotionally by many of them. Lucky for me I have had the opportunity to be a part of so many young ladies lives in the form of dance and pageantry thanks to Jaiden, and through those activities I have met some amazing young women and their families. Watching them grow up into who they are today was not only a privilege but an honor for my daughter to have such great role models in her life and for me to have met some of my closest friends.
It was surprisingly emotional for me. I more often than not found tears rolling down my face as I scrolled through your pictures of you helping them pack, sending them off, seeing them on their way, and waving goodbye. For me it seemed as they should still be walking through that high school parking lot as I dropped Jaiden off every morning, arguing with their sister coming through the dance studio doors, waiting for their latest pageant win to pop up on Facebook. Where had the time gone....for real? They were grown...and gone. I had watched those girls put on their tap shoes, and grow out of them. Watched them grow from their Preteen gowns to their knock dead gorgeous "wow where did those come from" teen gowns, and while they weren't biologically mine, they were my dance and pageant families. A connection was there. Or at least to me it was.
And then another revelation began. I finally understood Kathy's pain. Her breakdown. I got it. Like seriously deep down in my heart got it. What was her only blood family left had gone just a year before. And while I was physically there, emotionally I was not. I didn't get it. Not because I didn't want to be, not because I never tried, but because I was never allowed to.
Let me explain. All my life I've always hated the word "step-parent". To me it just seems degrading and disrespectful. I've played the role many times, and if that's what they chose to call me, than that was their choice and so be it. I have never voiced that opinion aloud. Funny thing is that Jaiden has never, and still to this day, does not refer to Kathy (even now with us not together) as her "step-mom". She has always referred to her as just that "mom". When someone looks confused, which was common, she would step up and say, 'yes....I have two moms." And no....she was never taught to say that.
Anyway...back to the point...Kathy had a very hard time when Brittany graduated from high school, and rightfully so. I didn't fully understand that then. I mean I got it, but didn't REALLY get it because there was not emotional attachment there. I was never allowed to be emotionally attached to Brittany. Not by any fault of Kathy's by any means. When she and I first got together Brittany was 13. She had a first impression of me and I could never break through that wall. Not even through a five year span. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. To her I was not who she was raised by, and for me she never gave me a chance to love her. Both hurt, yes....adults get their feelings hurt too, mistakes made and years wasted. To Brittany I would always be just that....a step parent. One of those she was used to having on the other side of things. Little did she know that was not at all who I was, because when I love, I love fiercely, and with my whole heart. Not saying that I don't love her...of course I do. I did, and still do, love her like my own. She will just never know that. So to my wife, I'm so sorry I didn't understand. To Brittany, I'm sorry you never knew how much I loved you. And to Jaiden, I'm sorry you were robbed of the family you deserved to have. Maybe one day I will get the apology I deserve as well.
It's funny how life has a way of teaching us things. Looking back at when things were so bad I would've given anything to know some of the things I know now. There's so many things about myself that I have been able to change through this process. So many things I was never able to see until all of these things happened. I am a different person in so many ways and even though I walk around with a broken heart still beating in my chest, and still fight some demons daily, I am better than I was a year ago. Things really do happen for a reason. And one day, when it is suppose to happen, I will be 100% happy again.
Comments
Post a Comment