Heart of Stone
A good friend once told me...”don’t ever let anyone have that much control over you”. As I was begging him to help me fight for her...he was telling me to move on. I was angry at him at the time, but looking back at that conversation today, he was right.
When I take a look back at my life I ask myself the question why so many times. The tears well up in my eyes so quickly no matter how hard I try to fight them. If I had my life mapped out, it certainly wouldn’t have gone as planned. It’s still something I have a very hard time talking about. People always asked me how she and I ended up together. It’s not something that was planned but I don’t want to rehash that story. What I do know is my love story with her was amazing. It was the realest love I’ve ever felt, and the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I honestly thought she was my forever but despite the biggest fight of my life...it turned out to the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever had. How could a love so strong go so wrong? I will never have the answer to that question.
There was a time I was against same sex relationships. A very long time ago when I was uneducated and swayed by the old time bible thumpers. So was the heart break punishment for not being open minded back then? Or was it punishment for the long kept skeletons in the closet that only a few knew of? Karma’s work at its best. I had certainly done wrong in my past, but a punishment of such extent of where I hurt so bad that I had almost ended my own life on three different occasions seemed a bit extreme don’t you think? I guess to Karma it didn’t. I know we aren’t suppose to question God’s plan, but when it hurts so bad it’s hard not to.
Today I sit here with a heart of stone, handing my bruised heart over to the Tin Man. I am grateful that I was able to somehow find the strength to cont;nue on during those days when all I wanted to do was die because it hurt so bad. I am grateful that I was able to climb the mountain of grief. It has been a shitty year and a half. I have lost a lot. But I have gained a whole new me that I am learning more and more about every single day. There may be no happily ever after for me and I’m ok with that. I can wipe my own tears. I can sleep alone for the rest of my life. At the end of the day all I need is me. Because I am strong enough not to let anyone have that kind of control over me ever again.
When I take a look back at my life I ask myself the question why so many times. The tears well up in my eyes so quickly no matter how hard I try to fight them. If I had my life mapped out, it certainly wouldn’t have gone as planned. It’s still something I have a very hard time talking about. People always asked me how she and I ended up together. It’s not something that was planned but I don’t want to rehash that story. What I do know is my love story with her was amazing. It was the realest love I’ve ever felt, and the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I honestly thought she was my forever but despite the biggest fight of my life...it turned out to the biggest heartbreak I’ve ever had. How could a love so strong go so wrong? I will never have the answer to that question.
There was a time I was against same sex relationships. A very long time ago when I was uneducated and swayed by the old time bible thumpers. So was the heart break punishment for not being open minded back then? Or was it punishment for the long kept skeletons in the closet that only a few knew of? Karma’s work at its best. I had certainly done wrong in my past, but a punishment of such extent of where I hurt so bad that I had almost ended my own life on three different occasions seemed a bit extreme don’t you think? I guess to Karma it didn’t. I know we aren’t suppose to question God’s plan, but when it hurts so bad it’s hard not to.
Today I sit here with a heart of stone, handing my bruised heart over to the Tin Man. I am grateful that I was able to somehow find the strength to cont;nue on during those days when all I wanted to do was die because it hurt so bad. I am grateful that I was able to climb the mountain of grief. It has been a shitty year and a half. I have lost a lot. But I have gained a whole new me that I am learning more and more about every single day. There may be no happily ever after for me and I’m ok with that. I can wipe my own tears. I can sleep alone for the rest of my life. At the end of the day all I need is me. Because I am strong enough not to let anyone have that kind of control over me ever again.
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