The Notebook
Grief. They say the hardest thing one will ever have to do is grieve for someone that is still alive. I have climbed the very familiar mountain of grief. Every step: shock, denial, anger, depression, acceptance...all of it. Hell...I recognized the view on the way up! Even saw the etchings on the trees from the treks I made the times before. Only this time I only thought I had made it to the top!
I went to take care of some legal matters the other day which I thought I was completely ready for. As I pulled into the parking lot I started uncontrollably shaking and immediately wanted to throw up. I got out and sat on a bench for a few minutes, gave myself a pep talk, and pulled myself together. I gathered myself and walked inside. As I sat and waited for my number to be called, the shaking returned, the lump rose in my throat, and the unmanageable crying began. I starred straight ahead in hopes no one was noticing trying to calm myself down but after a few minutes I got up and left.
Who was I kidding! Not only was I not ready for it, I didn’t want it. I’ve been in constant tears every moment I’ve been alone since. The physical pain I fought so hard to hide has returned. My heart hurts.
I remember trying to explain to people when they would ask how I went from a man to a woman, not that it was any of their business to begin with, but people can’t help but be inquisitive. “You can’t help who you fall in love with!” And that is such a true statement. It was true then, and it stands true even today. I wish I could turn it off like she did, like so many others that walked away from me did, but I can’t. I love her. Regardless of what happened Or why it happened. I love her. End of story.
There are people who come into your life and change it forever. She was that for me. I just wish she would understand that she deserves to be loved the way I love her. Her favorite movie is The Notebook. The first time I ever saw the movie I was with her. I literally cried for hours after it was over. I used to think that I was Allie, and she was Noah. I realize now that she is Allie, and I am Noah. I love her like Noah loved Allie. That’s the only way I can explain my love for her in a way that the real world can understand it. And so if you ever see me, and ask me how I am, and I start to cry....know that it is because I am missing my Allie, and waiting for her to come home.
I went to take care of some legal matters the other day which I thought I was completely ready for. As I pulled into the parking lot I started uncontrollably shaking and immediately wanted to throw up. I got out and sat on a bench for a few minutes, gave myself a pep talk, and pulled myself together. I gathered myself and walked inside. As I sat and waited for my number to be called, the shaking returned, the lump rose in my throat, and the unmanageable crying began. I starred straight ahead in hopes no one was noticing trying to calm myself down but after a few minutes I got up and left.
Who was I kidding! Not only was I not ready for it, I didn’t want it. I’ve been in constant tears every moment I’ve been alone since. The physical pain I fought so hard to hide has returned. My heart hurts.
I remember trying to explain to people when they would ask how I went from a man to a woman, not that it was any of their business to begin with, but people can’t help but be inquisitive. “You can’t help who you fall in love with!” And that is such a true statement. It was true then, and it stands true even today. I wish I could turn it off like she did, like so many others that walked away from me did, but I can’t. I love her. Regardless of what happened Or why it happened. I love her. End of story.
There are people who come into your life and change it forever. She was that for me. I just wish she would understand that she deserves to be loved the way I love her. Her favorite movie is The Notebook. The first time I ever saw the movie I was with her. I literally cried for hours after it was over. I used to think that I was Allie, and she was Noah. I realize now that she is Allie, and I am Noah. I love her like Noah loved Allie. That’s the only way I can explain my love for her in a way that the real world can understand it. And so if you ever see me, and ask me how I am, and I start to cry....know that it is because I am missing my Allie, and waiting for her to come home.
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