Don’t tell me how to feel!
Be sure to check out Rashawn’s video below before you read ⤵️
He talks about the emptiness feeling...and explains it unequivocally well. It’s the words that I’ve searched for in trying to explain that lowest of low feeling that I feel so often. Just to make people understand...those people that have judged my suicide attempts. Or anyone else’s for that matter. Those times when all I want to do is not feel...period. It’s never about the actual problem. It’s never about the people you love. Or being selfish. It’s about the pain...and wanting it to simply stop. One of my many faults is the profoundness in which I feel. Whether it’s love or sadness, I feel passionately. It’s never just on the surface. It’s fiercely, almost uncontrollable. And I hate that about me!
I get so sick of people trying to tell me that I need to change the way I feel. Like he says...people telling you to just “be positive”. Listen folks you can’t just change the way you feel! If it could be changed so easily no one would suffer from depression!! Feelings aren’t a light switch. Whether it’s who you love and why you love them, or if your sad and the reasons that stand behind that. It’s not snapping your fingers and changing. Depression is not a cartoon episode. It’s not a magic wand. You can’t get in the shower and wash it away. You can’t look in the mirror and say “oh...let me smile so it will all be better.” It’s not even a pill. Depression doesn’t work like that. It’s a deep down gut wrenching feeling that tells you you’re not good enough, that tells you you’re not worthy, that reminds you that your purpose really isn’t a purpose at all. It’s unanswered questions to why. And that feeling can hit you in the heart like a ton of bricks, knock you to your knees, take your breath away, and keep you down for days.
Reach out for help they say. As if you want people to know just how weak you really are; to give them a reason to shame, and shake their head, and point their finger in judgement just one more time. Please! No one really has time in their day to bother with a pitiful you anyway. Let’s be real! It explains how your circle is so small, if you even have one at all. It explains why your longtime friends have gone, and your left with just you and those thoughts....those thoughts that you keep running from.
Strength comes in different forms. For those of us that battle (and I don’t use that word lightly) with depression, strength is taking it day by day, minute by minute. I’m the one smiling in the morning yet was up crying all night. And it’s exhausting. And it sucks. Life doesn’t come with a set of instructions unfortunately, and depression was a card I was dealt for an unknown reason. But so far I have survived my very worst days. Choose your words wisely next time you try to give advice to someone suffering from depression. Sometimes all they may need is just a shoulder to cry on, or help to catch their tears. And remember...broken people can still be beautiful. Don’t forget to love them. ❤️
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