A Closed Book
The day she sat across the table from me with a completely emotionless, empty shell of who she used to be, she starred straight through me. I was hysterically crying , unable to contain my brokenness. She didn’t even blink an eye. The judge handed me a tissue, and told me it would be ok.
A month ago I was delivered the envelope of papers I thought I’d never see. The official “closing of the book”. She got their wish. I got a twist to the knife that was already sticking in my heart. A twist that would kill every feeling I had left. I have been completely empty since. A few tears now and then as a memory races through my mind, but then as I realize what’s happening I quickly wipe it away. Quite the contrary to where I had been the past two years when I allowed her to hold the key to the very breath I breathed.
She lost...not me. She lost the only person in her world that loved her unconditionally. She lost someone that would fight until death do us part. She lost someone that truly forgave her. She lost someone who would’ve moved mountains for her. She lost her best friend. She lost a love that she will never find again. She lost someone that loved her more than they loved themselves.
And me? I gained the ability to know that the way I love is not a bad thing, but the way I allowed others to take advantage of it was. I gained the ability to know I didn’t have to carry around the guilt nor the blame, because I didn’t let go; she did. I gained the ability to know that I was worthy of someone loving me back the same way I loved them. And I gained the ability to recognize that the way I love someone is rare, and that the loyalty I have for the one I love is untouchable. I learned I was able to go on with my life when I never thought I could. I learned I am worthy of so much more than even I knew. I learned to accept that I was braver than I ever knew I could be.
Since 2015 I allowed someone else to be in control of my heart. When that book finally slammed closed I got that back. And while my heart may be hardened by this experience, I pray that one day it won’t be.
A month ago I was delivered the envelope of papers I thought I’d never see. The official “closing of the book”. She got their wish. I got a twist to the knife that was already sticking in my heart. A twist that would kill every feeling I had left. I have been completely empty since. A few tears now and then as a memory races through my mind, but then as I realize what’s happening I quickly wipe it away. Quite the contrary to where I had been the past two years when I allowed her to hold the key to the very breath I breathed.
She lost...not me. She lost the only person in her world that loved her unconditionally. She lost someone that would fight until death do us part. She lost someone that truly forgave her. She lost someone who would’ve moved mountains for her. She lost her best friend. She lost a love that she will never find again. She lost someone that loved her more than they loved themselves.
And me? I gained the ability to know that the way I love is not a bad thing, but the way I allowed others to take advantage of it was. I gained the ability to know I didn’t have to carry around the guilt nor the blame, because I didn’t let go; she did. I gained the ability to know that I was worthy of someone loving me back the same way I loved them. And I gained the ability to recognize that the way I love someone is rare, and that the loyalty I have for the one I love is untouchable. I learned I was able to go on with my life when I never thought I could. I learned I am worthy of so much more than even I knew. I learned to accept that I was braver than I ever knew I could be.
Since 2015 I allowed someone else to be in control of my heart. When that book finally slammed closed I got that back. And while my heart may be hardened by this experience, I pray that one day it won’t be.
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