Oh the places I have been...

There was a time I knew I wouldn’t be around to celebrate another birthday. A time where raw emotional pain determined how my day would go. A time where getting through it wasn’t day by day, yet minute by minute.  A time when I valued darkness and being alone more than I valued the very breath that kept me on this earth. A time where I literally made a choice between life or death. 

Since that time I’ve made some major changes.  Not the first time I’d seen a significant change in my life, but  I’ve moved mountains in the progress I’ve made.  Does depression still peek its head through? Absolutely. The difference now is that I know my worth and will never give it, or anyone else for that matter, that kind of power over me (thanks to a great friend for offering up that advice that has literally saved my life...more than once). 

It was through my journey through those years of dark days that I found out who I was, and more importantly who I didn’t want to be anymore.  

While I’ve always been brutally honest, I learned how to keep it to myself.  I learned that not everything needs a reaction; that sometimes being quiet is all the statement that needs to be made.  I don’t settle for anything less than perfection (or my version of perfection anyway) and that anyone else’s version doesn’t matter. I always try to lift others up.  I always, always reach my hand out to others who may need it, even when I didn’t have to give myself.   There will always be someone out there worse off than I, and those people pray for what I have. I’ve learned to keep my head up in times of cruel and unjustified persecution from others; for it is their problem not mine.  I’ve learned I cannot carry the weight of the world on my shoulders; yet will always fight for what I believe in, and those that I love.  When I love, I love with my entire soul, and always unconditionally.  No one will ever love the way I do.  I am an advocate for those who cannot, for whatever reason, speak for themselves.  When it comes to parenting I can be nosy and overbearing at times, but even then it is normally with the best of intentions.  I pick my battles and let things slide when I used to not. I learned that being a mother, a single mother at that, is the hardest job on the planet, especially while battling severe, debilitating depression.  Having to remind myself that my beautiful daughter still needed me, when I felt unneeded the most, was one of the hardest battles I’ve ever fought.  And while I will never be a perfect parent, I was the parent that was always there, even on the hardest of days. While I always tried to be the wind beneath her wings, she has became mine.  She will always be my biggest accomplishment in life.  My core values are respect, loyalty, hard work and unconditional love.  I’ve learned that true unconditional friendship is rarer than a perfect diamond.  I am lucky to have a few of those in my corner and time or distance never stands in the way of them.  I’ve learned that family doesn’t mean the same thing as it did years ago, and even though our blood may be the same, it doesn’t mean the same to everyone.   I’ve learned that if you don’t heal what’s hurting you in the past, you will bleed on those that didn’t cut you. Those people who accept you and love you despite all your faults, are those that deserve your whole heart.  Those are the ones that help heal your wounds, not create them. 

But most of all I have learned to just be in the moment. I can’t control life, but what I can control is the ability to just experience every part of it, the light and the dark.  I have to laugh. I have to cry. I have to feel every part of it. I welcome the joy and confusion that comes with living, loving, and breaking too. I have learned to accept where I am, and what I’ve been through.  My story is filled with broken pieces, terrible choices, and ugly truths. But it’s also filled with major comebacks, a peaceful soul, and an amazing grace that has saved my soul.