Questioning my faith

Before you begin to read, you may find offense in this post, however that is not my intention. My blogs have always been real and raw. This one is no different. It’s a moment of true honesty. 

I don’t consider myself a religious person.  I do not attend an organized church mostly because of the way myself and my family were treated by the people of the church.  I do not sink myself in the Bible.  Maybe I should. I do however have a relationship with God in my own realm.  I have my own ways of receiving worship. I don’t and won’t discuss religion with anyone, not even my spouse.  If you need to judge that, do so however you see fit. 

There are times when I struggle with the beliefs that I grew up with and “learned” from the church because they don’t line up with the way I feel and some of the “choices” (as some like to call it) that I have made throughout my life. I know I have disappointed some, and even God along the way. There’s times when I even question my beliefs at all, and the last few days more so than not. 

Seeing a child who is sick and fighting for their life is the most heartbreaking, unfair thing I’ve ever witnessed. Not only for my loved one, but an entire hospital full.  It makes me question so many aspects of my spirituality, and that makes me feel guilty and extremely angry. The anger is more powerful than the beliefs right now. How can God allow such pain and suffering in children? Innocent, pure hearted children fighting for their life. Having to face the realities of heaven and understanding what that even is is so much more than they should have to carry. Watching the families try to be strong in front of them, be strong for one another, trying to understand the possibilities and uncertainties. Being one of those families. There’s no other way to describe it other than just plain awful. 

I know it’s not “right” to question God and his intentions, but how can you not when you’re faced with watching an innocent child fight for their life? To have to worry about being strong for their families. To put on a smile when all they want to do is cry. To be strong, when they are tired. To be in that position period! Why? Why? Why? I wish my faith was stronger during times like this but the simple fact is it’s not. I am certainly wrestling it and while I know there’s no such thing as a perfect world with no hurt or disappointment, I also know some things just shouldn’t be and I feel far away from God right now.